I’ve spent my life either being or trying to unlearn being a “good girl.” A good girl, however, is not who I am. It’s who I was told I was.
It’s who I was taught I needed to be—by the parents, family, churches, schools, society, media, culture, and systems that raised and shaped me. I am not alone here. Most of us who were raised female live with this deeply damaging invisible handicap.
You might think that being a “good girl” is harmless, but that is false. Being a good girl renders you harmless to those who benefit from you being more focused on their comfort than your own well-being.
And that comfort comes at high cost. Being a good girl inevitably results in significant long-lasting harm to the “good girl” and eventually, those in her care.
Good girls do what they’re told. They silence their voice, ask for very little, give in to others’ demands, and don’t express anger. So who, exactly, is being a “good girl” good for?
That’s not a rhetorical question, it’s a real one.
As a “good girl” it’s your job to care for others and abandon yourself. Through the years I’ve come to realize that this good girl conditioning (to be nice, polite, compliant, cheerful, obedient, accommodating, humble, optimistic, respectful, well-behaved…) is the single biggest cause of harm in my own life, as well as many, if not all, of the women I love.
I was uncomfortably reminded of how deep and damaging good girl training is this week while I was on vacation at a beautiful spot. This is a sacred place for rest and renewal that I absolutely love, but to which I might not ever return.
The wonderful thing was that on a Tuesday in June I had the entire place to myself to bask in the quiet oasis and the glory of the full moon. The not wonderful thing was that the owner saw my delicious solitude as an opportunity.
Many people would say that “nothing happened.” Because I wasn’t raped or robbed. But something did happen. The property owner said things and put his hands on me in ways that were unwelcome and inappropriate. I told myself he was harmless and did my best to re-direct his focus, shorten the encounter, and laugh it off (all good-girl strategies of abandoning self to accommodate other). But once I got safely home I started to see his behavior for what it was—persistent, narcissistic, non-consensual sexual advances. I had been in a situation that was potentially quite dangerous.
It took almost 24 hours for anger to rise in me, but that’s an enormous improvement for someone who got talked out of her anger before she could even talk. I pray that next time (this situation wasn’t the first and surely won’t be the last) that powerful friend (anger) will arrive in the moment, moving me to swift action.
But right now what I’m navigating is the fear. There is plenty of it to meet, but what has shaken me most is my own assessment of and response to his behavior. It never occurred to me to tell him to get his fucking hands off me. I was too busy trying to be polite and kind to a lonely old man.
That’s the thing about good girl conditioning. It runs deep. It’s insidious. And it’s notorious for talking you out of not only your well-being, but even your own body.
I’ve been actively, consciously working to reclaim my life, my body, my voice, my anger, and my agency for more than 20 years. It’s hard work. The journey is often lonely. But we can’t do it alone. Which is why I’m writing this—to invite you into my journey, and me into yours.
Like you, I’ve survived plenty of challenges, some of which were simple facts of life—relationships ending, ailments, dreams lost. But most of the hardship I’ve experienced—abuse, legal discrimination, chronic illness, financial devastation, the loss of my daughter, and more, all trace back to unjust patriarchal systems and the good girl stories they perpetuate.
The lie is that being “good” will keep you safe. The reality is it keeps you in harm’s way.
Oh sweets
Powerful piece! Thank you. Been there so many times. So easy to fall back into it, even when we think we have found our voice, our power and strength. Will come back to this writing again after I let it sit and resonate with my body, my senses , my heart.