I'm Not Going To Get It Right
Notes from my bed. 🛌🏻 A burnout breakdown-breakthrough.
I’m Not Going To Get It Right
by Kai Madrone
Lying in bed for days incapacitated by overwork, exhaustion and pain I finally surrender to the obvious— I’m not going to get it right. This forced time-out from the world of work, productivity, and peopling is doing its work of undoing me. Evolution via dissolution. In the wakeful wee hours of an activated nervous system, overtired adrenals, and full-moon intensity I lie helpless in the silvery desert quiet and realization dawns— If I am blessed to have another 4.5 decades here on earth I will spend every remaining hour being messy and vulnerable. Unperfected. Human. For however long is left I will have difficult problems, needs, unresolved issues, distorted perceptions, and uncertainty. The list of things to do will never be finished. Grief and anger will be life-long companions. People will disapprove and be disappointed. And when I draw my last breath there will be unanswered messages and incomplete projects. Why resist the facts? I’m not here to do it right I’m here to do life. Lying here listening to the dog snore I can feel the change inside settling in and expanding. I’m going to be okay. I already am. “Yes,” I whisper. I say yes to my new life of art and prosperity.
—April 15, 2022
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